TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN Film Review - 25/7/09

Neeeeerrrrrrrrwwwwwww! Boom - boom - badoom!!!!! SMASH - crunch......THUDDD! pHATOOOMMMMMMMMM! bANG - thuda. . . . .TAKKA-TAKKA-TAKKA: Gunshots, massive explosion. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM! Even MORE massive EXPPPPPPPPPPPPPPLLLOSSION THUDDDA-THUDDA-TUUUMM! crunch - crash PING PTHOCK-PTHOCK - booooom! Grinding crunch - SMASSSSSSSSSHHH! boom - Boom! CTHUD! CTHUD! CTHUD! ARRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!! A film by Michael Bay. Cash Tills Ring - Bring on Part 3 of this bilge! (2 hours of continuous destruction with no story or characterisation)

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA {5th. Season} (DVD Review) - 19/7/09

Well at last the torture is over! No need to get out the weedkiller as this dreary load of codswallop has come to it's end with Season 5 or Season 4.5 or whatever the morons are calling it! Dragging out all it's final hooks that have kept people hanging over four series the mundane has never been so well depicted. So now it ends with no real 'Happy Ending' and a question or two still unanswered? Still flogging away at this dead horse we have the anticipation (None!) of another BSG TV Movie and 'Caprica' the prequel (Yawn!) which is already out on DVD. This DVD 4-disc Boxset has the last 11 episodes (What a relief!) with the last disc packed chock-full of Special Features. I didn't bother watching them as it was enough of a waste of time trawling through the episodes. Dismal - I blame you Mr. Periwinkle!

THIS AIN'T STAR TREK XXX (DVD Review) - 14/7/09

Stepping away from 2005's Sex Trek pornography we now go to the latest with Hustler's 2009 Parody (Similar to their 'Munsters' & 'Brady Bunch' parodies) with "This Ain't Star Trek XXX". This 2-Disc Set is their version (again!) of the original series Star Trek story 'Space Seed'. With obviously a vast improvement for costumes & design, music & sets and some CGI - We still get let down by one 'actress' looking at the camera (and obviously!) Although stated as a parody the second disc to this set has a Non-Sex version of the Feature which does make interesting viewing complete with a 'Making Of' and a 'Blooper' Reel. You also get a 'Director's Storyboard' as well which is also pretty good. Forget the Photo Gallery/Slide Show unless you want close-up shots of growling badgers. You also get 3 Bonus Scenes (as stated on the Front Cover) unfortunately when you watch them it turns out they have nothing to do with this Production at all - Meh! The rest is just filler - So that's it - That's the last Star Trek porn I'm watching or reviewing!

SEX TREK: CHARLY XXX (DVD Review) - 14/7/09

In this follow-up feature to 'Sex Trek: Where No Man Has Cum B4' Charly turns out to be a sex-mad lithe young nympho in another veiled re-run of a story from the original Star Trek show. There is only so much you can do with a porn film so this time out Yeoman Gland gets the strap-on out and gives Charly a good seeing too - In return Nurse Chapstick gets saucy with Mr. Sperm until it's green goo time again! Jerkoff gets a scene of his own with a crew member and she 'accidentally' switches on the intercom so their grunting & groanings get broadcast shipwide - It's funny! Oh Yes - Oh Yes - YEESSSSSSS - Oh Oh Oh - Ummm Yes Yes - Do It Too Me - Oh Oh Oh Yes Yes Yes YESSSSS - Ummm and so on.......

Strangely enough the Special Features run exactly like the previous disc!

TORCHWOOD: CHILDREN OF EARTH {3rd. Season} (DVD Review) - 12/7/09

Disturbingly enough the First Episode of this DVD was shown on the BBC on a Monday. The programme that was before it was PANORAMA doing an investigation on Police powers and Government Laws heading towards a Police State and chillingly parrelled the Torchwood Series 3 Mini-Season of 'Children Of Earth'. If you had changed the title to 'Quatermass' it would have reflected even more so the story. Nigel Kneale was dismissive of Dr Who and had declined a chance to write for the show but if he had seen the latest Torchwood story I'm sure he would have been proud of the connection. Starting out slowly this tense and gripping tale took a lot of people by surprise. Not only has it been the best so far (Although highlights have certainly cropped up in Seasons 1 & 2) it has a knack of leaving you reeling. The story takes you to places you don't want to go and is fairly bleak. It also asks hard choices of groups of people and individuals. If you are facing extinction against an enemy you can't strike back at - What do you do? Do you sacrifice a proportion? An individual? Doing what is right can be so hard and the final scenes leave you feeling despondent. After the end it would be total anarchy - People would fight against the army and police, governments would fall and civil war would follow. The planet would be devastated.

Torchwood comes across a series of strange events and starts to investigate. Then Torchwood itself comes under attack and it's members targeted. Events from 1965 impinge on the present day and Government machinations grind into gear. An alien presence is heading towards Earth and it has the planet's children under it's control. Thing's fall apart as the Earth's Government's completely lose control of the situation.



This 2-Disc set has been rush-released straight after the TV broadcast. I personally think it will get a lot of takers and was pretty savvy of the BBC to do this. You get the full 5 Episode Mini-Series plus 'Torchwood: Declassified' an exclusive behind the scenes look and some of the 'Torchwood: In The Shadows' Audio Story. If this is the end for Torchwood then they went out on a brilliant high (But still leaving things wide open for a return) personally with large audience figures of 6 million on Primetime BBC1 and DVD sales, I can see it will return for a fourth Series?

SEX TREK: WHERE NO MAN HAS CUM B4 (DVD Review) - 6/7/09

Long may the parody continue! In this ropey hash-up we get a handful of storyline threads from some old Star Trek story episodes cobbled together with even an appearance from Ron Jeremy no less. No expense has been spared to bring you scenes of alien planets - In this case a red silky curtain with some backlights and a handful of plastic plant pots. You even have the 'infamous' Vulcan - sorry Horny - alien green sperm scene - WOW! With a few scenes set with a junkyard look background (Borg - Or Bog influenced maybe?) the budget hasn't significantly improved from the last outing. The piss-takes not only self-reference Trek but the fact that they are actually making a porn film as well. This even extends to the Trailer for the next film "CHARLY XXX" which strangely enough seems to have been filmed on the same 'sets' if you can call them that?

Don't even go there for the Special Features which are just the giblets Gallery in close-up and some Cum-Shots Action. Then there's also the dreary Sex Talk which is a handful of phonelines for some sleazy sex chats.